The older I get, the more I learn about myself. Like, I need structure, but also a freeing amount of flexibility.
Enough structure to not feel suffocated, and also enough flexibility to not live in utter chaos.
And sometimes, in life. . . Everything feels like utter chaos. No matter how much of a balance or idea of “the plan” that I think I have in control.
And it’s in that moment, that I realize whom my life depends on. That I need God, because if I do not have Him, anxiety and fear would control the type of life I live.
It’s amidst the chaotic moments in life that I’m reminded to stay connected to Him- day-in-and-day-out. Having a solid foundation in Him when life gets rocky, it’s what keeps me connected, grounded, and He’s what keeps me going. I would completely fall apart if it wasn’t for Him!
I’ve spent a lot of time, these last few years just waiting. Waiting on God.
In some instances, in the waiting, I have felt like I couldn’t trust God any more. I have felt hurt. I have felt left behind. I’ve even been plain mad at God. And this past week, I have felt the most anxious I have felt in a very long time.
A lot of things don’t make sense.
I can’t even count any more, how many times, since 2020 that I’ve said: Life just doesn’t make sense right now.
But there are some things, that I am confident of:
* I’m confident that whatever you’re going through, you are not alone and you are loved. There are sooo many people out there sharing their stories. They share their stories, for many reasons. Know that one of those reasons, are so that you and I know that we are not in this life and journey alone. And you are loved. There is a tribe out there that loves you, even if you haven’t found them yet. There is a person out there that loves you more than anyone ever could. And He will leave the 99 to come find you!
*I’m confident that while the waiting sucks, there’s a purpose. And then waiting is painful sometimes, but God can use that pain. He can use that pain to help other people. You can (although not always) use what comes from that pain, on the other side of that pain, and sometimes even in that pain to be the hands and feet of Jesus.
*This one is hard for me to say, right now…but, I know it as a truth- because God’s word is true, and because I’ve seen Him work over and over and over again. I’ve seen it happen in my life, in my friends’ lives, and in complete stranger’s lives. All of that to say: God’s plan and timing is perfect. It’s better than anything you or I could ever dream. And, while I know this to be true…it’s a truth that I’m struggling to hold onto, at this moment.
Honestly, I could keep going on. But, please know, this last week of the year…If you are still waiting on God for His perfect timing, if you are feeling alone, if the pain is too much to bare, right now. He is the light in the dark. He loves you more than you could imagine. I know it’s hard, right now…but, keep holding on!
It’s almost December. Like, tomorrow. I really truly want to be in the Holiday spirit, but today. . . I’m not feeling it.
My husband is out of town.
I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
We’ve had 6 different illnesses run through the family in one month, and it’s looking like this winter is going to be a rough one.
And, I’m just weary from waiting on God. I’ve been processing this waiting period, and it just doesn’t make sense. Maybe it never will?
So, you know what? I’m just going to let myself feel all the feels.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in life, it’s this: Feel All the Feels.
Let yourself think about the frustrating things. Be sad that life doesn’t look the way you planned. Feel hopeful for the future. Laugh at the funny things in life, and allow yourself to have fun. Feel happy, when you find joy in something. . .
It’s when you hold those things back, that you’re not being your true self.
And, just remember to not camp out in one space for too long. If you’re mad or angry for too long, you run the risk of only thinking negative. And, if you pretend to be happy, when you’re not- and you shove those feelings down. . . They’ll find a way out.
That doesn’t mean you have to display every emotion, publicly.
But, allow yourself, and love yourself enough, to process those feelings, privately- or with a trusted person!
If you’re also not feeling the Holiday spirit, today. . . I’m sending you love. Know that you’re not alone. This world needs you.
Wow. Have you ever looked back on a time in your life…a time where you thought you were happy. You thought things were the way you were wanting to live, and even though you thought you wanted to live that way…things just didn’t feel right…Only to come out of that season and think…Man, I was not happy. There was a lot going on there. Those aren’t the things I wanted. That’s not how I wanted to live. I am coming out of one of those seasons.
I needed it though. Without trial, we don’t appreciate the things in life that we have. We don’t grow. We just stay right where we are. And sometimes, it’s ok to be content with where we are. And it’s also great to want more out of life. To do more. To be more.
I found myself waking up each day. Going to work. Picking up my kids. Coming home. Repeat. Day.After.Day. Sometimes, routine like that is great. That’s where you should be…but for me…I wasn’t living. I didn’t make time for myself. And it wore me down. I was doing for others…but not doing for myself. And we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. (this is where I am always reminded of the flight attendant coming over the intercom, explaining that in case of emergency to place your breathing contraption on before you can help others.)
I found myself slowly depending on God more and more. He brought me to a point where I needed to depend on Him to live. He showed me that His love is what fills me up. That I can get my joy from Him.
And now, I feel like I am living more in the present. I look forward to living life. I have more joy. Some days I fall flat on my face. And my savior is there to pick me up. I’d rather it be some days…than most days. I’d rather depend on Jesus most days. I try for all days, but I’m human…
I’m glad to be back. I’m glad to be myself, again. I have a lot to say, a lot to share, and I’ve found my voice again. I can’t wait to walk this life with you!!
A new season has begun.
Can I just end on one note. If you are reading this…and you don’t feel this way…know that you ARE loved. Whatever you are feeling like you are not…you are. Can I challenge you? Whatever you are feeling like you are not…will you go look at yourself in the mirror and say: I am ( fill in the blank with whatever you are thinking you are not)… I AM enough. I AM a good mom. I AM smart. I AM peaceful. I AM joyful. I AM loved. You ARE!
*Repost: I wanted to re-share some posts that I’ve previously written. Mainly, because, before change come healing and working on yourself.
Wow. When I wrote this…it was back around Thanksgiving. I remember this one-two week period, distinctively. It was the moment I realized that I really and truly have to shut down, all of the things, so that I may feel all the feels and sort through all of the thoughts. Now that we are 3 months into Corona time, with all of the things that are currently going on in our world. I’ve realized that there are some amazing people out there who don’t know that what they are going through is ok. What you are feeling is ok. You are not alone. If you are someone who lacks the support you need, I’m working on creating a resources page. If your situation is urgent, I implore you…find and seek help in your local community. In the meantime, I hope this reflection of what I wrote back in November is helpful and brings you hope.
Anxiety and Self-care:
Over these last couple of weeks, I felt myself winding up…anxiety wise. I couldn’t figure out what was going on…but I felt like I needed to slow down. So, I did.
I allowed myself to not go full steam ahead.
I allowed myself to slow down and tune in.
If I didn’t feel like writing, I didn’t. In fact, I slowed down to pretty much only my 30 Days of Thankfulness that I was 100% committed to.
I slowed down on house work—to what needed immediate attention…
You know, I have talked about my “5 Daily Things” I started making progress towards, after hearing John Maxwell speak this summer…and for 2 weeks…I didn’t focus on those at all.
And that’s fine. I needed to slow down and figure out what was triggering me.
It took a couple of weeks, and one good night of crying…but I finally figured it out and got all of that anxiety tension released.
We really need to make ourselves, and listening to our bodies a priority.
When we are taking care of ourselves, we are better able to take care of others.
There is room and grace for survival mode.
There is room and grace for missing out on taking care of ourselves. It happens.
But, once we cue in…we can slow down to figure out what’s going on. And what we need to do.
Check out the article. Tell me what you think. I’ve tried all of these tips and agree.
It’s funny, because I used to hate yoga for exercise. It felt slow and awkward. But last year, I tried it for a season and loved it. It was just what I needed..and I’ve been missing it, since I gave it up last summer.
When you think about self care, don’t be surprised if something you used to hate or would never think about doing for you turns into a something you like.
If something crosses your mind to try…try it.
If you’re a mama-or someone who needs self care, but doesn’t have a budget to spend on yourself…don’t worry.
When I started my self-care journey I had to get creative, because we didn’t have the budget for me to go get massages, pedicures, and the like every week.
I’ll share resources on some budget friendly and simple ways to find self-care. As well as, things that are self-care that you may not have thought about. I certainly didn’t.
There has been a lot going on the last two years. So. Much.
I already knew that we needed a change, as a society.
However, the last two years. . . It has really opened my eyes to just HOW MUCH change we need.
When I think of all the things that need to change. I am reminded that it starts on an individual level. One person makes changes in their lives, and then those changes have a ripple effect on the people their are closest to in their lives, and so on.
If you’re eyes are just opening to the fact their needs to be a monumental shift in America.
Start with one small thing that you can implement in your life.
Think about the things you are watching, reading, how much time are you spending on social media? Think about the places you are spending your money. What are you putting your time and energy into?
Then, hone in on just one thing to change. Maybe, you and your family cut back on tv time, or the type of tv you’ve been watching. Maybe you shift the kind of music you’ve been listening to.
Change it. Set a goal for one day, for one week, for one month, for one year.
If you mess up. DO. NOT. Be. Hard.On.Yourself. Do not. DO not beat your self up. Give your self grace. Dust yourself off, and get back up, and keep at it.
I can’t tell you those things that you need to change. You know what’s best for yourself and your family.
I can give ideas and resources, and that’s what I’ll be here for.
Change is hard. You may see some small improvements. You may see no improvements. You and your family may take 1 step forward, just to get 10 steps backwards.
AND- you may come out of a season. . . And, all of a sudden. You’ll see it. The work you and your family has done to make changes. You’ll see the fruit. It’ll be beautiful. It’ll be worth it.
The day after Uvalde…I wrote the following on my Facebook page:
Yesterday- I felt sick to my stomach and overwhelmed with grief.
I started a story with: pray- yes….And we have to change.
I couldn’t get my thoughts past that.
All I could muster was “heartbroken”.
We need change. Period.
The time for discussions- is long past overdue. We are past the point of discussions.
Over the years- there have been numerous ideas thrown out about what can be done. Numerous.
It’s no longer time for discussion. It’s time for action.
Be thinking about things that you, yourself can change. What can your family do to make change. In your spheres of influence? Those little changes- spill over in every area- and impact others. Think of those changes. And then- do it.
You’re all right. It’s not just guns. It’s not just mental health. It’s not just parenting and how schools deal with things. Its not just media.
It’s ALL of it. It’ll take making changes in all these areas until we see a difference. And there is something you can do. What are you going to start with?