Have you ever hit rock bottom? That place where you felt you couldn’t go on the way things are? That place that seems hopeless. Dark, even, with a cloud of fog surrounding everything in sight.
I’ve been there- and it’s horrible.
Anxiety overwhelmed me. You know that feeling? Constant fear. Kind of this nervous feeling that never goes away.
I remember one day listening to K-Love on the way to work, feeling like I had been walking through hell on earth.
And then, the next words that I heard from another listener sharing his story was: “I was living in hell on earth”.
His story was different than mine, and we both felt the same.
That moment. In that moment, I feel like that’s when things started changing, an imperfect change. That moment and other small moments leading up to that one!
Every Sunday, at the end of the service, our lead pastor would invite those who felt lead to invite Jesus into their hearts.
Out of pride…I would start off: I don’t need to do this…(I had “already accepted Jesus” at 13…but the truth was, I hadn’t fully understood His goodness and what it truly meant to follow Christ)…and then I would repeat the words that our pastor would say to help those who want to give their life to Christ. Every week, for months, I did this…”I don’t need to…repeat words”…I did this, because in my heart, I knew that I needed change, I knew that I needed Jesus, but I was still being prideful.
Then, one day, it all changed. My head and my heart aligned, and I was finally able to accept Jesus into my life.
Now, I want to share this only to show you that I did nothing. I didn’t change. Week after week, I was full of pride. But God. He softened my heart through songs, through K-Love, through family and Friends, Church, counseling, and community. He did it. I did nothing except keep repeating words until they clicked in my head.
Before this, often times, I felt alone- even surrounded by people who loved me. I was depressed. I didn’t enjoy things that I used to.
But, once I understood God’s love for me…things started to turn around. Now, I will say that He still has a lot of work to do in me. But, things started getting better.
Through this, I’m learning to depend on Him. It’s hard to do. So hard. I’m imperfect. I’m learning as I grow. As we all are! I know at some point, I will fall flat on my face. And it will happen over and over again. And I pray that when that happens, my heart will still be softened to Him.
But, I want to share my story(ies) with you to share His Story. That’s my hope for this part of the blog called HisStory. I hope you see Him.
Before I sign off…have you ever felt that anxiety, or are you in that rock bottom place, maybe you feel hopeless? If you’re there- you’re not alone. And you are loved by someone who can give you so much more love than you’ll ever understand. His name is Jesus.